#3 are you lonely?

It's sunny. Everyone always wishes for sunny days and so do I, actually. But now I wish it would rain. Isn't wishing for sunshine -at least for me right now- a little like wishing for freedom? I always wanted to be free and now I am but I don't know what to do and how to deal with it.
It's sunny right now and I wish it would rain. The sunny weather doesn't match my mood. It makes me sad. In the garden, I see so many flowers. I love them, especially the roses and their different colors; they're so beautiful. I'm surrounded by so many beautiful things but I'm sad. I know, I should be happy but it doesn't really work. If I could buy happiness, I'd spend all my money on it.

I wish it would be raining so I wouldn't feel so alone. Rainy, cloudy days are comforting because I don't feel like I have to be in a good mood. When it's sunny, people always say: "No, you can't be unhappy, look, the sun is shining, it's summer, life is beautiful!"

I feel like I'm losing everything, it's slipping through my fingers and when I try to catch it, it's already too late, everything's broken. Some days - and today is one of them - I wish I could turn off my brain and my heart and just feel nothing. The weight of all the thoughts and feelings is so tiring, I wish I could make it stop. I wish my heart was made of stone or ice, so I wouldn't feel anything. I wish I could delete parts of my mind so nothing would bother me.

I can't change anything, so I'm just sitting here, thinking about what could have been and what will never be.