#19 I don't know you and you don't know me

Sometimes, there is one moment, one topic, one experience which makes you question certain things; which makes you think about important stuff in your life; which is really confusing so you don't know what's right and what's wrong.

And you don't know who to talk to because the people you'd usually talk to think about it in a different way.

Then you talk to someone else, someone you normally don't talk to when there is something that bothers you; someone you haven't spoken to in months or years; someone you barely know; actually it could be a complete stranger because it doesn't matter. 

You realize that you both have the same opinion, the same thoughts, the same struggles and talking to them feels just so good because in a world full of misunderstandings, you finally feel understood.

#15 okay

I really dislike talking about things that bother or upset me, about my problems or sorrows.
Why do people always kind of judge my problems? Why does it feel as if my problems, as if my feelings aren't valid?

"This is silly."
"You can't consider this as a problem."
"Well, you have xy, so xyz shouldn't bother you at all!"
"Lucky you if this is your only problem."
"This is not a problem."
"Well, I'd like to have your problems."

When someone says this, I feel kind of worthless. I feel like my thoughts aren't even worth to be said out loud. It makes me regret telling others what annoys me, what upsets me, what maybe even makes me really, really sad, so sad that I'd prefer not to tell more details about it anyway.
There are lots of different problems, some of them affect you more, some affect you less but you shouldn't be afraid to consider the little things as problems too.

"But you are okay!"

Oh really, am I? How do others know what I am, how I feel? I'm not saying I'm not okay though. But I can have sorrows and problems without other people dying, my house getting either robbed or set on fire, a close person being diagnosed with an illness or someone getting hit by a car. Sure, these things are particulary sad but they don't make my sorrows less important.

"Other people have it worse."

There is always someone else who has it worse and we all know it. But this doesn't mean we cannot complain, we cannot be sad about stuff in our life or we cannot consider something as a problem.

Why do people forget that problems and sadness aren't a competition?

#14 02:35 am

My phone vibrates. I look at the display and the ten letters of your name make my heart race. All the memories come back.

3 years ago, we met for the first time. We were both 16, actually I was almost 17. We started to get close and I was glad that I had found someone like you. I smile when I remember our conversations, sometimes silly, sometimes serious; our nights spent sitting somewhere in the dark, not wanting to go home; I remember that I once said

"Look at all these people
they are going home
but we
we aren't."

And you nodded and we were sad.

Now when I think of it, I'm not sad, I'm just happy and a little melancholic.

Well, autumn came, the bright skies turned grey and the same happened to us. Everyone skips classes from time to time but you did it all the time. I was worried and I didn't know what to do. And then you got sick and stayed away from school even more. The doctors didn't know what was wrong with you, none knew.

And then one day, everything escalated, I was so scared, I realized that you had felt so bad for a long time. It didn't get better, I'm glad I didn't know what was going to happen to me after you left.

Yeah, you left.

I remember all the tiny details about the moment when I saw you for the last time. I remember how pale you were, your scared eyes were looking at me, you were trembling so bad that I thought you'd faint. I remember exactly where we were standing.

You said

"I'm scared."

I replied

"Don't be scared
everything will be fine."

I didn't see you again.

We sometimes texted each other but then we suddenly stopped. I was worried, I hoped that you were still alive yet I didn't try to contact you. I felt so guilty and I never forgot you, I promised myself that I'd see you again in my life.


2.5 years passed, you faded away yet I wasn't able to completely forget you and I wondered how life would be if you were still here. In the end, the picture of you didn't fit in anymore. That was when I realized that I have become another person, a young woman compared to the girl I was when I first met you.

We might be different, we might look diferent, yet we have something in common: We both were young girls who didn't know how cruel life can be and then we got broken into a thousand pieces. But we got fixed, we became whole again and here we are now, stronger than before, stronger than we thought we could be.


So when my phone vibrated and I saw your name, I swear I've never clicked "Accept friend request" that fast. My fingers were shaking when I texted you. I couldn't believe it, I still can't. I told you that I was so happy to hear from you, you told me that your hard times are over now, that you feel so much better.

We talked and it was like texting a stranger and a friend at the same time. I basically texted someone that I used to know and who I have to get to know again.

We promised each other to meet up soon. I couldn't stop smiling, I still can't.


I looked at your picture.

"I have changed"

you said.

You're right, you look different, you look happy. I realized that I look different too, three years are a long time. My cheecks aren't as chubby as they used to be (they are still chubby though), I wear different glasses and different clothes, my hair is straight instead of wavy. Actually, my whole body has changed, some features for the better, some for the worse but not only my body has changed, my personality has changed too.


After a while, you asked:

"So, what's the news?"

I had to put my phone down. I didn't know what to say.

"Everything"

I'd love to reply.

I have often imagined what I'd tell you if we ever meet again but now it's so odd... Everything's not like it was before, everything and everyone changed drastically.

I wouldn't mind telling you everything though.

But do you wanna hear it? It's all gone.

Does it even matter to you anymore?

Does it even matter at all?

What matters in life?

Few things, I guess.

And to be honest, I don't care what we talk about as long as we talk.

No, what has happened doesn't matter at all but when it's true that few things in life really matter, then I can tell you

that one of them

is you.

#13 And I'm losing the will to try

People change sometimes. You wish they'd stay the same though, especially when they change for the worse. Suddenly, people who you thought would stay close to you and to your heart start to drift away. They don't text you back or they send you rude replies or they cancel plans all the time. They barely touch you anymore, they see someone else more than they see you or they can't meet you because they're waiting for others to make plans with them - without you.
Sure, you still talk and you pretend that everything's fine, yet you always end up talking about boring things like the weather or you hear the same story of the tenth time. You feel as if the other person doesn't even listen to you anymore, they ignore your sorrows and talk about themselves instead. When you're together, they're somewhere else mentally and it makes you feel stupid. When you're in pain, you swallow your tears and try your hardest not to tell them that you need them because they're too busy anyway. "I love you" or "I will be there for you" or whatever they said doesn't mean anything anymore yet they expect you to keep all your promises.
It makes you feel sad and worthless and you tell yourself that none needs you anyway. You just thought that they were different. They've changed so fast and it's so bad and actually none would stop you from just leaving them, slowly deleting them from your life, actually none but your heart. Because they still mean a lot to you or because you remember all the beautiful moments you spent together or because there'd be a giant hole without them in your life.
And that's when you realize that you can't just stay with people you love as long as they're nice and caring. If they really mean something to you, you are willing to work on it, you don't just leave them because they give oyu rain instead of sunshine. In a relationship, in a friendship or in whatever you two are, you can't just pack your things and go when it gets hard. 'It wouldn't be fair', you say to yourself and you stay, hoping they'll realize one day that you don't wanna be without them even though they constantly break your heart. Maybe they'll realize it one day... but maybe they won't.

#11 silly late night thoughts

There's one thing I really like about thunderstorms: the fact that you see them too, so that we think about the same thing at the same time.We both do the same thing without being together. And this thought is somehow comforting.  Yet I don't know how you feel about the storm, I don't know if you admire the art of nature or if you close the window and hide under a blanket.
And that's why I secretly wish you were here or I was where you are or we were somewhere else together. Basically, I just wanna be with you but I can't.
That's why I like thunderstorms; somehow I feel like we're connected. Of course, we aren't.
I kinda want the storm to pass because it'd make me forget you; I kinda want it to last forever so I can spend a giant amount of time just thinking about you.
But every storm will pass. And then? What remains that reminds me of you? Sure, we share the same sun, the same moon, we live under the same sky but that's not the same. I need storms to feel connected to you.

#10 make a wish

Have you ever been in love? So that not even food matters, not even words? [...] You wold be sure, you would know. You always know.

This is a quote from "Night Train to Lisbon". I really like this film, it makes me feel good about life and also about myself. Two years ago, when my father asked me if I wanted to watch it with him, I thought that we'd go to see the most boring film of the year and I was so surprised because this film is everything but boring. You should watch it if you haven't seen it yet.
But actually, I don't want to talk about this movie. Somehow I've just got reminded of it - probably because there's currently so much on my mind.

Have you ever had the feeling that you cannot put into words what has happened to you, what you think or what you feel because it's so overwhelming? It's like you want to hold on to this moment, you want to hold it in your hands and then put it in a jar to capture it forever. You wish you could keept it forever, listen to these words and looking at the beautiful things again and again. Of course, you cannot. But you will always have the memories; the most important things will never be forgotten.

It's strange when a wish comes true, it's strange and it's beautiful. Especially when you never thought that one day, it'd really come true. It's hard to believe that this time you are the lucky one. You spent years dreaming, wishing, worrying about it, one thousand scenarios have been imagined while you were listening to sad songs, feeling melancholy, wanting to pack your suitcase, leave and never return.

It seems weird that now there's nothing left to worry about, that it's even better than you could have imagined. You feel as if there was a golden sunset inside of you, as if there was a firework in your heart. It makes you wanna smile all the time, it makes you delete all the sad songs on your phone because they have no use anymore. It's unbelievable how it all turned out, it's so unreal, it's like a dream. Yeah, it is a dream and it became reality.

You look at the sky, your heart skips a beat and you can't stop yourself from smiling. It's magical and it's so wonderful it hurts.

#5 slowly drifting away...

It was a warm Friday evening and I decided to go out with a class mate. I like going out, it's fun and I love how I never know who I'll meet in the city/pub/club.

We talked and drank a lot. I enjoy talkative people; as much as I love talking, I also love listening to the stories others tell me. First we talked about school and other class mates, then about sports (we both don't like this fitness hype) and as the time flew by, our stories got more personal and that's what I love about Friday evenings. We changed the place after two hours and went to our favorite pub. Our whole school usually hangs out there on Fridays but (luckily) we didn't know anyone when we arrived. The music was loud  as always, yet it didn't stop us from talking even more. 

Not only I like listening to others, I also like looking at them when they talk; when they wave their hands to demonstrate something; when their facial expression goes from a smile to a more serious look. I like it when others repeat the same word or expression several times; when they talk so fast they swallow a word... Yeah, talking is just awesome!

When I returned from the bathroom, some other friends came in and they were so excited to see me, it made me so happy! They screamed "We've heard you passed your finals!" and then they hugged me, gave me high fives and it was a beautiful, cheerful moment. I felt like I haven't seen them for ages, actually I last saw them two weeks ago but that's another Friday-thing: people are always very excited to see other people/their friends/class mates. My friends briefly joined us and we talked about some things that had happened at our school, then they went outside and it was my class mate's turn to go to the bathroom. I was sitting at our tiny table, watching her bag, staring at the half-full wine glasses in front of me when the jukebox started to play "Waves" by Mr. Probz.



Suddenly, I felt alone even though I was surrounded by so many people in the pub. It felt as if there was only the music and all the other noises were turned off. The whole evening flashed through my head; my friends' laughter, their smiles, everything they said, everything that made me cheerful... And I realized that this will be gone so soon, I realized that I'll leave it all behind in a few weeks. Of course, I'll be back next year but everything will be different and I don't know how it will be. I was scared, I wanted the feelings to go away, I wanted my friend to come back from the bathroom as soon as possible. Every minute that passed while I was alone felt like forever.

When my class mate finally came back, it felt as if all the noises suddenly came back; I wasn't scared anymore and I continued to talk as if nothing had happened. Feelings are strange, aren't they?

#3 are you lonely?

It's sunny. Everyone always wishes for sunny days and so do I, actually. But now I wish it would rain. Isn't wishing for sunshine -at least for me right now- a little like wishing for freedom? I always wanted to be free and now I am but I don't know what to do and how to deal with it.
It's sunny right now and I wish it would rain. The sunny weather doesn't match my mood. It makes me sad. In the garden, I see so many flowers. I love them, especially the roses and their different colors; they're so beautiful. I'm surrounded by so many beautiful things but I'm sad. I know, I should be happy but it doesn't really work. If I could buy happiness, I'd spend all my money on it.

I wish it would be raining so I wouldn't feel so alone. Rainy, cloudy days are comforting because I don't feel like I have to be in a good mood. When it's sunny, people always say: "No, you can't be unhappy, look, the sun is shining, it's summer, life is beautiful!"

I feel like I'm losing everything, it's slipping through my fingers and when I try to catch it, it's already too late, everything's broken. Some days - and today is one of them - I wish I could turn off my brain and my heart and just feel nothing. The weight of all the thoughts and feelings is so tiring, I wish I could make it stop. I wish my heart was made of stone or ice, so I wouldn't feel anything. I wish I could delete parts of my mind so nothing would bother me.

I can't change anything, so I'm just sitting here, thinking about what could have been and what will never be.

#2 I think home is where the heart is and my home's still the place where you belong.

I'm watching "Vincent will Meer" on TV.
I haven't seen it since 2 years. We watched it in our last psy lesson on the last day of school of my first year. There's that song in this film which really hits me and reminds me of that day 2 years ago.



I feel like I remember everything: How I took the bus with a class mate instead of walking even though we knew we'd be late. We even wrote "Tell them we're late because we're cool." in our group chat. I remember eating chocolate and watching the film in a class room with giant windows. I remember hanging out in the cafeteria, eating chips and talking. I remember the boring movie we watched in chemistry. I remember almost missing the train in the evening because I had some problems with my hair. I remember that cool night we spent all together, making videos, drinking (coke for me, alcohol of many of the others :P) and just being nice to each other.

But not only this song reminds me of that day; it also reminds me of that time in my life. I remember how I was very brave every day even though I often felt very bad. I remember how different everything was; my friends, my worries, the things I liked and disliked, the things I wished for and my personality. The last one has changed a lot. I'm not missing the old me, yet hearing that song makes me feel nostalgic for these times which have passed.

I want something back but I don't know what it is. Maybe I want that happiness back, that kind of happiness which was so strong it almost tore me apart. Maybe I want to be as carefree as I was back then even though I wasn't truly carefree, I have just worried about different things than these I worry about now. Maybe I want the time back; the time that has passed too fast yet not fast enough at certain times in my life.

But I guess I'm just scared that it will never be as great as it was back then. I know it's wrong. I spend so many great days and moments with my friends, I watch amazing movies and listen to songs which will later remind me of my current adventures.

So why do I still feel so nostalgic when I listen to this song? Is it because I only realize how good certain moments were when they have passed and when my life has changed and certain things have ended? I wish I'd be less emotional so these flashbacks wouldn't hurt me but doesn't everyone feel the same about the sweet things in life that we have lost?

#1 freedom & void

Als ich noch zur Schule ging bzw. als ich noch Unterricht hatte (das klingt so, als wäre ich eine 50-Jährige, die in Erinnerungen schwelgt, naja...), konnte ich meine Wochenenden und die Ferien (Sommerferien ausgenommen) nicht immer so richtig geniessen. Im Hinterkopf war stets der Gedanke an die Hausaufgaben, die ich noch nicht gemacht hatte; an die Französischvokabeln, die ich noch lernen musste; an die Matheprüfung, bei der mir mein Vater bei der Vorbereitung helfen musste; an die 23 Seiten Geschichte, die ich für einen Test zusammenfassen sollte... Je nachdem, was ich noch machen musste bzw. was ich noch nicht gemacht hatte, hab ich mich geärgert und mir gewünscht, dass ich einfach mal nichts tun müsste. Keine Vokabeln, keine Formeln, keine Bücher, keine Interpretationen... einfach gar nichts tun, relaxen, Freiheit...

Nun ja, jetzt hab ich ja, was ich mir gewünscht habe. Aber diese 'Freiheit', auf die ich - vor allem in stressigen Prüfungsphasen - gewartet habe, fühlt sich mehr wie eine Leere an. Es ist so komisch, dass plötzlich niemand mehr etwas von mir will - niemand will, dass ich Hausaufgaben mache oder für irgendeinen Test lerne. Mein geregelter Tagesablauf ist auch weg, ich gehe ins Bett, wann ich will und stehe auf, wann ich will. Niemand verlangt, dass ich pünktlich um 7:50 im Schulzimmer sitze. (7:50 ist momentan 'mitten in der Nacht' für mich.) Niemand will, dass ich stundenlang rumsitze und mich langweile. Und das ist so komisch, denn ich hab mich halt daran gewöhnt.

Und ich weiss ehrlich gesagt nicht, wie ich diese Leere füllen soll. Natürlich treffe ich ab und zu Freunde, die auch ihren Abschluss machen und Ferien haben, aber die Hälfte meines Bekanntenkreises arbeitet oder hat Unterricht. Mein Tagesablauf besteht momentan aus schlafen, essen, lesen, PC, TV, meine Katze nerven und versuchen, was Gutes aufs Papier zu bringen... Aber ich kann das ja auch nicht bis im September machen?! Naja, ich denke, ich krieg es schon hin, mich nicht zu Tode zu langweilen :)

Das Anstrengendste an der Freiheit/Leere ist die Zeit, die ich jetzt habe, um nachzudenken. In meinem Kopf herrscht das totale Chaos. Während der Prüfungszeit war mein Kopf so voll mit dem Prüfungsstoff, dass mich die Mitternachtsformel, Dr. B, der Erlkönig, Andrée, Hazel und die Ausschaffungsinitiative bis in meine Träume verfolgt haben. Nach den Prüfungen war mein Kopf immer noch voll mit diesem 'Wissen' und ich wusste nicht, wohin damit, vor allem mit den Sachen, die ich gelernt habe und die aber nicht geprüft wurden. Wohin mit der Verstehenshypothese von Goethes 'Totentanz'; mit der Antwort auf die Frage, ob Tony schuld am Tod von Gisèle ist; mit dem ganzen Nahost-Konflikt?
Nach einigen Tagen hab ich diese ganzen Facts glücklicherweise vergessen/verdrängt/was-auch-immer, aber dann haben mich andere Fragen beschäftigt, welche nichts mit der Schule zu tun haben und immer, wenn ich meine Gedanken aufschreiben will, weiss ich nicht, wie anfangen und wenn ich dann doch mal anfange, will ich so viel auf einmal aufschreiben, dass es schlussendlich total chaotisch wird.

Manchmal denke ich: "Oh, ich vermisse die Schule irgendwie! Wenn ich jetzt doch nur dort wäre..." Aber: Nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed. Wie oft habe ich mir gewünscht, dass ich nicht mehr zur Schule gehen muss, dass ich von gewissen Fächern für immer befreit bin, dass ich gewisse Menschen nicht mehr sehen muss... Natürlich hatte ich auch meinen Spass, ich hab mich ja nicht drei Jahre lang nur aufgeregt (obwohl ich mich sehr oft über die Schule aufgeregt hab ;) ) und mir fehlen meine Freunde und gewisse 'Rituale' wie unsere friday talks, das gemeinsame Essen oder Insider und Spitznamen für unsere Lehrer. Aber ich muss ja rückblickend nicht beschönigen, was damals schlecht gewesen ist, nur weil ich mich ab und zu von dieser Freiheit/Leere erdrückt fühle. Meine Freunde kann ich ja auch ohne Schule noch treffen. Spätestens, wenn ich im September vor meinen Französischhausaufgaben sitze, werde ich mir diese freien Tage zurückwünschen, so ist es doch immer ;)

Ja, ich weiss, die Bilder haben wenig mit dem Text zu tun, aber ich mag es nicht, wenn ich nur einen Text poste :) Und die Bildqualität ist schrecklich, aber ich fotografiere zur Zeit nur noch mit meinem Handy und dieses ist schon ein echter Handy-Opa mit lausiger Bildqualität... oh well.